Half-Assed

I look back on my “writing folder” and encounter a series of unfinished projects. Pieces that were started from a place of passion, that quickly fizzled out. I read my own words and think, “hey, this is actually pretty good”. But then, the paragraphs were never pulled together. The thesis dangles but is never secured. Thoughts are incomplete and there is no conclusion in sight. So many unfinished essays. From this place of looking back, I don’t know how to jump back in. I’ve lost the thread.

I can’t help but judge myself. Why can’t I finish what I started? What happened? I’m such a half-assed writer. And is this bigger than writing? Is my life nothing but a series of unfinished projects? That biochemistry masters degree that I never used? That Dive Master certification that has now lapsed, along with a closet full of out-dated scuba gear? Those friends I left behind when I moved across the country? That therapy training? That coach training? Dare I say, even my doctor training? Using a wide-angle lens, I can see so many “projects” that I started but never completed. Or training that I completed, but never acted on… What am I doing with it all?

Why don’t I finish these things? I can think of many possible reasons. I run out of steam. I forget. I get distracted. It gets hard, and I give up. My attention switches to something else. The fire dims; the passion fades; I lose interest… I’m afraid of what this might say about my character. Is this a design flaw?

When I played the Sims as a young human, I spent all of my time building houses. I used the cheat codes (rosebud;!;!;!…) to fill up my bank account, and then built extravagant houses with extravagant families. But I never stayed with the family. I got bored, and abandoned them to go build another house, and another family. On to the next one.

It feels like a prophecy. I feel stuck in a pattern. Repeatedly building structures that will never be homes. Constantly dreaming, but never committing. I hop from one thing to the next. Something is missing. Searching for: Fulfilment? Ecstasy? Peace? Fuelled by hope. This unknown thing I seek – are you out there?

Pause. Breathe. Reconnect.

That’s an old story. It doesn’t fit me anymore.

Wisdom says: it is not out there, but in here.
Wisdom says: seek deeper, not further.
Wisdom says: you already have the thing you seek.

But how does that relate to my unfinished writing projects?

Maybe the writing is about the process, and not the product. The act of writing is driven by curiosity. I meet an idea, and then engage this idea in dialogue. We dance on the page, as my fingers tap out my thoughts and metaphors and questions – and usually I stop once I find my insight. Once I have processed the emotion, or found my hidden truth, I don’t need to write anymore. The urge dissipates once the process has played out.

Through this lens, I can see the pattern differently. What if my medical training was not about learning how to be a doctor, but about the process of becoming a doctor? An experiential crash course in human suffering, human healing, and the circle of life. And my master’s degree… I was young and uncertain and curious. It wasn’t about climbing the ladder of academia to become a scientist. It was really just an opportunity to travel, meet new people, and “hit the snooze button on life” (as my thesis supervisor put it). And my Dive Master training? It was situational. It wasn’t for the job – it was for the adventure and challenge.

And now my mind drifts to my most recent training. What about the coaching, and the psychotherapy? What was that about?

Perhaps the question isn’t “What did I do with it?“, but “What did it do for me?“.

This perspective feels wider and more expansive. I feel more possibility as I loosen the grip of my judgement and shame. More space for contemplation instead of condemnation. From this place, I see that I don’t actually need answers. I just need to trust the process. To trust the unfolding. I write because I like to write. Can that be enough? And can it be enough to just live life? To experience? To enjoy? To stop asking: But what will I do with it? and just fucking do it?

Yes.

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[P.S. How does this relate to coaching? Coaching can help you to widen your perspective. It can create new ways of thinking about things. It can give you an opportunity to see yourself (and your life) in a different way. In a coaching partnership, we can get curious about your patterns, your ideas, your judgements, etc. We can help you step back from your camera (and the partial image you are creating through your single lens) and experience the bigger landscape that surrounds you.